Workplace Coalitions:
the 8th email
My Dear Niece Snakeash,
You must run with the right pack.
Much like the other tips, tricks, and trysts described in my emails, the correct coalition, assuming you’re embedded inside it and sucking off its nutrients, will drive your career like a moose running through the snow.
However, if you should run with wrong pack, all the preying in the world won’t be able to save you from being ripped asunder.
I am not writing figuratively. Remember Henry? My one-time associate HR director? They are still picking flecks of him from the carpet from time-to-time.
Henry did not pick the right coalition.Therefore, no one could protect him from the pack—well, least—no one was willing to protect him.
It’s a nasty business—but someone has to put the nasty in nasty business.
How do you know if a potential coalition is the right coalition?
Ask yourself three questions:
Have the members of the coalition, on average, been employed at the organization for more than 8.6 years?
Do the members of this organization roughly look, act, and most importantly, laugh the same?
Finally, do you have only a vague idea of what each member of the coalition produces in a twelve-month period?
If you answer no to any of these question, AVOID THIS COALITION FOR THEY ARE PRETENDER, AND WILL ASSUREDILY BE DRAINED OF THEIR BLOOD AND SACRAFAXED TO THE IT GODDNESS.
If, and only if, you can truthfully answer ‘yes’ to all three questions, proceed to join the coalition. But remain vigilant that there aren’t imposters amongst you.
Those who don’t really fit in will identify themselves fairly quickly.
They may say things like “wow, I have a great idea…” and then proceed with an actual or original thought. Cast out the fraud.
Or, on the other claw, an imposter may suggest *shudder* change.
Remember, no matter how small or insubstantial a change may be, it is always bad. And so is the person suggesting it. Cast out the fraud.
Finally, an imposter will resist the opportunity to talk behind the back of other coalition member’s in their absence. Cast out the fraud.
Remember: a member of the right coalition will always have your back. So make sure you always carry enough knives for each of theirs.
Moose-ly Yours,
Aunt Toutlips