My Dear Niece Snakeash,

Congratulations!

You have just been hired at your first real job.

But beware: even though you have just taken your first step into the great unknown, which is known as the career. Alas, you hold the keys to your future in your stupid, naïve, ugly hoofs.

The first year, much like newborns everywhere, is fraught with danger and the ever-looming possibility of being eaten by an aggressive male.

Thus, you must take care with each step, keep your wits about you, and watch out for aggressive males—particularly if they are salivating.

No. I am well aware of your physical appearance. They won’t be salivating for anything else.

Keep your distance from all possible dangers: the ambitious, the capable, and the doers.

And be super wary of super-doers, embrace super donters, and stuff gullet with super donuts.

~ Great Uncle Icky Toutlips

You would do well do instead of surrounding yourself with the stubborn, lazy, and most importantly: the backstabbers.

Why, you ask, while wringing your ugly stupid hoofs?

I will in the most indirect way possible, as is tradition in Human Resources.

As the saying goes, ‘do not upset the applecart.’

Why you again ask stupidly, is the applecart in the middle of the freeway?

“Screw you, that’s why,” is the most common organizational reply.

Apples are vital to every organization’s makeup and are also highly sensitive to even the most casual remarks.

Also, less well-known: apples can be vindictive SOBs, and it’s a good idea to keep them close.

So, as the saying goes, ‘keep one’s friends close, ones’ enemies closer, and one’s mid-day snacks closest.’ And that’s why we keep

You must make no waves in your first twelve months.

Beyond not upsetting fruit dispensaries, you should also not make waves.

I find this helpful analogy for those first entering the workforce.

Imagine you are swimming in the middle of a vast ocean.

You can kick your feet one way.

You can paddle with your arms another way.

But nothing you do will change the fact you’re in the middle of blue nothing.

As your strength slowly ebbs away in the midday sun, and you grow weak from your futile and fruitless exertion, you will find yourself slowing sinking into oblivion.

But do not fight it.

This is your rightful place in the world, i.e., the organization.

Simply close your eyes and drown.

And. Do. Not. Make. Waves.

Especially, when anyone of importance is nearby, at me.

Yours at a disrespectful distance,

Aunt Toutlips

Author Notes