Risk: the 1st email

My Dear Niece Snakeash,

Your latest emails feel me with concern and anxiety. You can be sure I will be sending you the corresponding portion of my psychologist’s quarterly invoice as a result. You shan’t make that mistake again!

Under no uncertain terms should you allow your employee to assume (the very best word for it) any degree of risk. Or, they shall risk a high degree of degrees.

At every stage of one’s career, this inclination should not just be avoided, but downright shamed into submission. Make it piddle itself into oblivion.

“Nothing ventured, nothing gained” is a nice enough sentiment for the casual passing maniac, but is far from practical in any reasonable organization or the fire-rimmed buttresses of the Netherregionrealm—where was I?

Right, Human Resources is the sole protector of the organization. It’s as simple as that. Do we need to apply another brand?

If we allow our employees to pursue paths of innovation and discovery—we risk not just ourselves but the faith witch has been entrusted us from the brainless morons who print our checks.

But much as we can, we must perpetuate the myth that Human Resources friend, dare I say even ally, of the common employee.

We can leverage this myth and help steer employees from their pernicious tendencies.

Now, your employee in particular, is still relatively new. This is the most dangerous time. Looking over their personnel file, they also have two dangerous aggravating traits: volunteering and a severe lack of scope.

These two traits mean they don’t know what they should be working on at any given moment and look for opportunities to help. Unfortunately, we have seen this before. Our three eyes are not so easily deceived!

The witless employee will soon start connecting the dots, and worse yet seek common solutions through problem-solving. Blast them to blazes! Don’t they know only WE solve problems, and the problems are they!

Ahem, your employee. They have a tendency too to stray outside their predetermined path. They ask if others need help. The offer THEIR help. They—shudder—try to learn and understand.

Why don’t they understand we abhor growth—unless it’s of the cancerous or rudely placed variety? In sum, protect the organization as it currently is—any deviation from that—is loss.

Get your employee in line!

As in the lines strictly defined on the organizational chart. They much not deviate! The only other stream which they should be interested is the one following from between their legs in the restroom after a particularly livid tongue-lashing.

The only risk your employee should regularly engage in is the leftover roulette in the lunchroom fridge. Speaking of, I did notice your passive-aggressive note—very nicely done.

Yours in Compliance,

Aunt Toutlips

Author’s Disclaimer

A reminder: nothing in these emails should be thought to reflect my personal views on Human Resources or opinions on the dark and odious Netherregionrealm from which HR originates. They are merely interesting and thought-provoking electronic insights into an organizational function many of us have been subjected to—ahem, worked with—at every job.

DP Wauchope