Leadership: the 5th email

My Dear Niece Snakeash,

Today, let us address leadership. Your Aunt Toutlips has worked over many a terrible leader and knows what it takes to keep them there.

It appears your employee considers themselves to be on a managerial-track. This is good. A sense of hope, but nebulous steps forward, eventually creates the perfect employee. B

According to your last email, your employee is looking (in vein) for a leader to emulate, a mentor if you will (a topic for another email) to help guide them through the morass. Unfortunately, the morass of HR is opening wide to consume them whole.

We need to keep them in the dark. Their fears are the most succulent in the darkest of despairs.

The loneliness knowing that 1) not only do you not know what to do but 2) but others are counting on you. It’s such a one-two punch to the gut. Although, my gut is now well-adapted to absorbing such blows.

If possible, use a combination of previously described techniques to keep your employee as alone as possible.

True leaders are rare, and while I highly doubt your organization is particularly flush with them, you can never be too cautious, especially in our given industry.

A cautionary tale:

I once went hoof-to-toe with an upstart youngish manager.

She had new ideas, a drive and taste for success, and the most repelling quality of all: the lack of fear in trying new things.

While I eventually conquered her, squashed her rebellion, and absorbed her lifeforce into my brood, it did ruin a perfectly mundane Tuesday evening otherwise, AND it resulted in that hideous stain in my carpet near my desk. Yes…THAT one.

Ultimately, I was able to prevail over the witless (in need of protection) cur by appealing to her sense of professionalism.

While supportive of her in general, her supervisor did not want to risk his own neck (after my sincerest of care and pinpoint attention with said neck). Her subordinates embraced her vision, but they smelled blood in the water and quickly abandoned her to my considerable embrace.  

Similarly to your employee, ask for them to give an example of leadership. Glean from the employee’s example their intent in providing that specific one, and use it (as patronizingly as possible) to the opposite effect.

Say, for instance, the employee had a good coach in their youth, and learned positive leadership traits from them.

When in doubt, scratch their eyeballs.

Aunt Toutlips

Dig deeper and find the basest flaw. Was the team good? Did they accomplish all of their goals? Did the players go on to bigger and better engagements? Whatever it is, use their own examples against them, and then remind them that regardless of whatever they are trying—it’s not working. And to grow up.

Another tact is distribute out anonymous surveys. Structure them enough (I know someone good if you need) so that much of the survey captures results of any of your employee’s weaknesses.

Bullies cannot resist punching low, especially if others are too.

In sum, you must make them believe—that no one will believe in them.

Aunt Toutlips

Have you experience the incivility of civility in the workplace? Let DP know at nomaplebar@gmail.com.