My Dear Niece Snakeash,

If politics makes strange bedfellows, then office politics makes strange orgies even the least of which would make Stanley Kubrick vomit in his mouth, albeit in a cinematically pleasing fashion.

But as much as I would like to, this is not a discussion on workplace orgies, but rather something almost has interesting, moist, and where bits of wriggly pink flesh can also get accidentally stapled to a desk.

In its purest form, office politics is the disembodied and amorphous demon Balfagor, who glides through all workplaces around the world and worming into the hearts and minds of otherwise innocent.

In its less-pure form, office politics is the jockeying for position, strategic maneuvering, and CYA-ing which occurs in all workplaces around the world.

This glorious version sees workers pitted against workers in the glorious pursuit of the corner office, better wifi, or the most important of all: calendar time with the boss.

Office politics guide and inform the every-day interactions that litter the Monday through Friday doldrums of the average grunt.

You really need to learn all of the grunts.

~Aunt Toutlips

But with which grunts should you ally yourself? How you protect yourself from associated with ‘can-doers’ or worse, ‘competent employees?’ And which grunts are the more burpy ones?

Well, the right political alignment can shield you from being labeled a trouble-maker, provide a social network both at work and at home, and critically, serves as the nexus to the ‘rumor mill.’

Now, rumor mills deserve their email (perhaps several!), for they are the sticky undercurrent of informal communication, rebel-rousting, and passive resistance of which human resources undoubtedly thrive.

But you won’t have a seat at the ol’ mill if you don’t have the right access.

And you only get the right access if you are in with the right people.

And you will only be in with the right people if they like you.

So, how do you get people to like you in the workplace?

It’s easy: learn to suck up (merely one of the all-important directional sucking), do other’s work (but only marginally), and avoid conflict like you avoid work.

Also, avoid decisions, avert all glances, and like the same things everyone around you likes and dislikes everything everyone dislikes.

Especially competent employees.

Unlike Yours Truly,

Aunt Toutlips

Author Notes